I Explain All the Sports


Roller derby is for when you want to get hurt while wearing fishnets, but also go in circles.

Horseback riding is for if you never got over getting too big to ride your dog without hurting its back.

Football is moshing in shiny pants without music while wearing helmets.

Skydiving is for people who sort of want to stay alive, but also sort of don’t.


Softball is that thing when you sit in a field, talking to a leaf, before a ball eventually rolls by you and then everyone is yelling for some reason.

Baseball was invented by people from Boston who needed something to hit their bats with when they weren’t vandalizing cars.

Karate is where you put hyper kids when you’re not ready to put them on medication.

CrossFit is what you talk about when your pyramid scheme fails.

Archery is for when you like to shoot at stuff, but also can walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

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Hunting is for when you kill your own food, except that most of your food is Cheetos.


Golf is that thing when you already died a long time ago, but still want to walk around in the grass insulting your friends.

Jogging is how you tell people in cars that you’re better than them, but secretly hate yourself.

Bicycling is how you get to work if you’re a 14-year-old cashier, or 40 and had a bad divorce lawyer.

Hiking is for when you want to be closer to nature, but also have a TV movie made about you because you died in it.

Skiing is like if you only want one bumper sticker on your SUV that you don’t know how to park, but you don’t want to be political, so it just says “Sugarbush.”

Hockey is what you take up when you can’t afford anesthesia for a filling.

Racecar driving is that thing of drinking water out of a hat during a police chase in a funnel.

Snorkeling is for people who like to upset fish, but not kill them.

Fishing is for people who like to upset fish, and immediately kill them.


Tennis is for couples to take up briefly before finally just going to marriage counseling.

Yoga is for telling strangers that you can do missionary position, and also, like, eight of the other ones. (Ten if you have that squishy wedge thingie.)

Boating gives you a place to live when you get kicked out of the house for your drinking.

Skateboarding is for when you like to scare pedestrians, but also get hit by a car eventually.

Surfing is actually pretty kick-ass.


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